


help me see through myself (so i can stay)

by xelmxy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: #HaikyuuAngstWeek2020, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27352528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xelmxy/pseuds/xelmxy
Summary: It was one of those nights. One of those nights that Hinata Shōyō hated. One of those nights where you were alone with you thoughts, in the dark, late at night. On these specific nights, Hianta found himself lost in his mind. He always found it quite hard to get out.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 2
Kudos: 67
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	help me see through myself (so i can stay)

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is day 2 of my #HaikyuuAngstWeek Books! this one is fairly short, but i promise you, the next few days will be longer, and better written. this one also has a happy ending cause i feel bad about the next few books that are not haha...
> 
> TW : Panic Attacks , Self Harm , Insecurity , Self Doubt

#HaikyuuAngstWeek

Day 2 - All Tiers

It was one of those nights. One of those nights that Hinata Shōyō hated. One of those nights where you were alone with you thoughts, in the dark, late at night. On these specific nights, Hianta found himself lost in his mind. He always found it quite hard to get out.

This just so happened to be one of those nights.

Hinata had gotten back from volleyball practice, not an exceptionally good one. He had missed a bunch of quick attacks, and hadn't done many good blocks at all. He had gotten yelled at by Ukai for slacking off, and he had gotten teased by just about everyone that day (except Kageyama, who, Hinata thinks knew he wasn't doing very good that day).

The whole day hadn't been that great, he had flunked another test, only making his fears worse that he might be kicked off of the volleyball team for his poor grades.

He was now alone, at his house, sitting on his bedroom floor. Why on the floor? Reasons he didn't know.

His mother was away at a parent teacher meeting at his sister's new school, which left Hinata by himself at home. Being by himself was a feeling he really always despised, and was hard to get used to.

He thought of calling Kageyama, I mean, they had been dating for a bit now, Kageyama never minded when Hinata would randomly call, but Hinata didn't want to be a bother. Plus, Kageyama was most likely doing his own things right now.

Hinata got up and trudged the the bathroom. He looked in the mirror, and looked at his reflection. Why did he have to look like this? Why did he have to be so small, so, short. If he was taller, and had a bigger build, he could actually do something, something even somewhat useful for anyone.

He put his hand up to his face, and traced his fingers along it. It was so unsymmetrical, and rough and-

Hinata slapped his cheeks. He had caught himself doing it again, acting like this, acting like this to himself.

He knew tearing himself down was a really bad habit he had. Especially while he was alone. The voices in his head would get loud, and he would be left in the thoughts that he hated so much.

Often, sometimes it would escalate to the point where Hinata would hurt himself.

He would scratch himself, pull his hear out, sometimes, even use a blade to scratch against his skin.

He knew he shouldn't, but his body would most of the time auto-pilot him to that point, and he couldn't stop it.

Kageyama was the only one that knew this, but he had thought it had stopped.

Long story short, it hadn't.

He felt the voices in his head tell him every wrong about him, his body, his personality, the list kept going on, it never seemed to stop.

Tonight seemed, worse than usual. Everyone's remarks form practice, and him getting yelled at was getting into his head, along with the voices that were already seeming planted in his head in the moment.

He stared thinking about Kageyama. Kageyama was so talented, and smart (at the game) and he just, was better. He was so much better. Wasn't he?

He picked up his phone, and decided to do something that he didn't really want to do. Though he felt like he owed it to Kageyama to do this.

You: 'Hey, Kageyama?' 9:38

A few minutes later he got a reply

Kageyama!💗: 'Hey boke, you feeling okay? You seemed kinda off at practice.'

Kageyama was right, he had been off, but it wasn't just at practice...

You: 'I'm okay. Can we talk?'

Kageyama!💗: 'About?..."

You: 'I think we should break up.'

Kageyama!💗: 'What?? Why?? What happened? Did I do something wrong?"

You: 'It doesn't have anything to do with you."

Kageyama!💗: 'So is there a reason? At all?'

You: 'I'm not enough for you'

Kageyama!💗: 'Shōyō? What do you mean?'

You: 'You're just so amazing and talented and you are really handsome and cool and I don't know why you wanted to ever date me because i'm just stupid and small and I can't do anything by myself.

Hinata couldn't help but to think.

"Was I ever enough?

He doubted it.

Kageyama!💗: 'Shōyō. I wouldn't still be dating you if I didn't love you.'

You: 'But you could be pitying me.'

Kageyama!💗: 'No, I'm not. I love you. You better believe it.'

You: '...'

Kageyama!💗: 'God, boke. I'm coming over so we can watch a movie okay? I think you need it right now'

Hianta didn't see that last message. He was laying on the floor crying.

Why? The voices. The voices seemed too loud. They were overtaking him, they were overtaking everything. His body movement, thoughts, actions, emotions. It was too much, the pain he felt from his own self trying to kill him with his insecurities was too. much.

Hinata couldn't feel anything. All he felt was the shaggy carpet, and the small bits of pain coming from him trying to pull out his head.

He now couldn't seem to breathe. What felt like darkness, and whatever else was out there, was closing in on him. He was scared, it kept crawling closer and closer. He yelled and screamed, for someone to help. His vision was now blurry, and he felt as if he was about to be suffocated.

"PLEASE HELP. PLEASE, SOMEONE." He yelped out into the quiet looming of the house.

He didn't want anything more in that moment to just stop, and die. He didn't want to suffer like this. He couldn't. Hinata was well convinced that this was it. That he would never see Kageyama's dark beautiful blue eyes again, or His nice smooth black hair.

Never again, he thought he would even see light again. He wanted out, but he could do nothing, but cover his ears and listen to the whisper of voices, telling him he wasn't enough, and that he wasn't smart, and that he wasn't good-looking, or worth even thinking about.

Before Hinata was about to pass out from the yelling he felt something around his body. Though it was something close to him, the darkness around him started to fade away, and the voices quieted. He stopped screaming to look up, Kageyama was there, grasping onto Hinata like it was the last time they would possibly ever see each other. Hinata didn't know what else to do, so he leaned into Kageyama, and softly cried. He couldn't cry too loud, since his throat hurt severely from screaming for god knows how long.

"Shōyō... shhhh, it'll be okay, I'm right here. shhh baby shhhh...." Kageyama cooed

"Kageyama I- Kags-" Hinata said now crying into Kageyama's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, i'm so sorry, I'm so horrible, i'm so selfish. I-"

He was cut off by a small peck on the lips. The kiss wasn't long, liked said, it was a short peck. But during that kiss, Hinata felt everything to be okay. He could breathe fully again, and could control his own body correctly again. He looked up at Kageyama and smiled

"Thank you."

"Always... But please call me next time when this happens. I got to your door and heard screams and it really scared the shit out of me.

"I'm sorr-"

"Stop apologizing..."

"I... Okay..."

"Listen," Kageyama started

"You are so amazing, and funny, and I love how you look, and I love how you act, and I love every single thing you hate about yourself. You hating it makes me love it more."

Hinata had no words, none at all. Though he knew one thing was clear now.

"Was I ever enough?"

Hinata now knew this answer, and he was happy with it.

"I love you, Kageyama."

"I love you too, boke."

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! if you want to go read my day one, i would really appreciate it!
> 
> stay safe everyone and have a good day!


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